Holy Skunk Sweat it's Planet Houston

Superman II is fraught with controversy, or, at least, it was.  If I'm completely honest I have no idea if I saw Richard Donner's restored version first or the Donner/Lester mash up.  There's a kebab joke in there somewhere that I'm too lazy to make. Due to the majority of scenes being filmed alongside Superman we still have a high level of continuity despite some minor flaws.  Brando is surgically removed from the original Superman II  edit to cut costs and Hackman stood by Richard Donner and has minimal screen time.  The hiatus in production sees Christopher Reeve practically Hulk up and Margot Kidder fade away, yet despite all this Superman II falls into that very small group of sequels which are better than their originals.  The main reasons for this look like extras from Cabaret and are called Zod, Ursa and Non.

Our sequel is primarily concerned with Zod's hateful urge for revenge on Jor-El.  The beauty of it all is that we already know this thanks to the original.  Vendetta isn't just the purview of the Mafia but it helps when the ideas are Mario Puzo's.

Zod's Night Off

Hang on a minute.  Zod has been floating through space in the time it's taken Kal-El to grow up.  Is Zod aware that Krypton is no more and Jor-El gone with it? I suppose there'll be a handily placed crystal to help answer such questions.

We are forced to remember Zod et al from Superman due to the jarring introduction to Superman II.  The opening credits are essentially a highlights package from 1978 with a brass introduction.  It's absolutely ages before that swoosh of Alexander Salkind Presents and still no top billing for Christopher Reeve.

Reeve builds on his Woody Allen impression whilst Kidder has gone all gung ho in Paris.  The Inspector Clouseau theatrics are all a set up for an inadvertent jailbreak just off the dark side of the Moon.  It seems that the Kryptonian prison of choice, The Phantom Zone, is a bit fragile near nuclear events.  Given that stars are basically supermassive nuclear reactors and The Phantom Zone floats through space this is a shocking design flaw.  Brando may not be on screen but Jor-El's presence is definitely felt.  That aside, Zod, Ursa and Non's lunar trip is a masterpiece (CLIFF CLAVIN!).  It seems that Kryptonians don't need to breath oxygen which is at odds to Superman's almost drowning in Superman and the big suffocating bubble in Superman III.  Oh, alright, I won't nitpick but I will point out that The Phantom Zone made more noise than the Death Star blowing up.

Lois' suspecting Clark of being Superman is paced wonderfully and the false reveal at Niagara Falls is excellent before Clark's clumsiness around the fireplace ultimately reveals him as the Man of Steel.  It's just slightly surprising that Superman had to save a child and not The Liability Formerly Known As Jimmy Olsen.  Once again the sheer amount of soft focus seems to affect Lois Lane's thought process.  Either that or all those hot dogs have gone to her head.

Once Clark is demasked his and Lois' relationship fully forms and it's now that you see that Tarantino was right when he used Bill for his painful exposition of Superman's myth:

'Now, a staple of the superhero mythology is, there’s the superhero and there’s the alter ego. Batman is actually Bruce Wayne, Spider-Man is actually Peter Parker. When that character wakes up in the morning, he’s Peter Parker. He has to put on a costume to become Spider-Man. And it is in that characteristic Superman stands alone. Superman didn’t become Superman. Superman was born Superman. When Superman wakes up in the morning, he’s Superman. His alter ego is Clark Kent. His outfit with the big red “S”, that’s the blanket he was wrapped in as a baby when the Kents found him. Those are his clothes. What Kent wears - the glasses, the business suit - that’s the costume. That’s the costume Superman wears to blend in with us. Clark Kent is how Superman views us. And what are the characteristics of Clark Kent. He’s weak… he’s unsure of himself… he’s a coward. Clark Kent is Superman’s critique on the whole human race. Sorta like Beatrix Kiddo and Mrs. Tommy Plimpton.'

What we're not ready for is Superman to make such a big sacrifice and, quite bizarrely, become a human by way of a crystal box.  Superman taking Lois to the Fortress of Solitude will be echoed in later superhero films, it's almost inevitable that Vicki Vale will find The Batcave in 1989. 

All the while another strand of revenge is forming.  Lex Luthor has escaped from his jail and is pursuing the secrets behind Superman, hoping to uncover something a little stronger than kryptonite.  Luthor begins scheming as he uncovers the relationship between Superman and the soon to be famous General Zod.

I'll ignore the Christian references as Zod rolls into East Houston, Idaho and Sheriff J W Pepper en route to The White House.  Superman is now in a quandary, having given away his powers and getting bitchslapped by trailer trash he realises that Zod will destroy the human race unless he does something.  Luckily, conveniently and inexplicable easily he becomes Kryptonian again and we're all set for the Battle of Metropolis sponsored by Marlboro.

Superman is bad for smoking

In the '70s and '80s smoking was still sexy,
how else would such product placement happen?  The Marlboro van crumpling under Kryptonian is more glaring than the exploding Coca Cola sign.  If any of this looks familiar it's probably because Joss Whedon ripped it off for The Battle of New York in
Avengers Assemble and the uncanny simliarities within The Matrix trilogy.  It seems Hollywood is doing its best to eat itself.




In a seemingly French moment Superman retreats to his North Pole hideaway pursued by the Phantom Zone inmates with Luthor and Lane in tow.  A classic double double bluff sees Zod dealt with but not before one of the strangest things you'll ever see.

The cellophane S attack is bonkers.  After holograms and heat rays comes this.  It doesn't even do anything except leave you scratching your head.  Despite this Zod meets with an unsatisfactory misty end and Luthor is returned to custody.  All that's left is to sort out the now, apparently messy, love story.  It seems that Lois Lane is a bit selfish and doesn't want to share Superman with his planet saving duties.  It begs the question: 'what did she expect?'  Rather than a messy breakup and a potential expose in the Daily Planet Superman comes up with yet another bonkers turn.  the Rohypnol Kiss wipes Lois' memory and all is good again.  Our ultimate boy scout has gone a bit rapey to keep things 'normal.'  There's only one solution to this ethical problem and that's a scheming businessman and a self aware computer but that's next time when Superman a meets crap Eastenders villain in 1983.

One last thing.....whilst everyone kneels before Zod it's worth noting that Bill Cosby doesn't.

The Man on the Moon

Throughout history Man has always stared at the night skies and watched the stars.  Before I was born a man became the first to actually touch another world.

Usually deaths of celebrities and the famous don't really register with me.  You mourn the loss of talent and remember the bodies of work of comedians, musicians, actors and the like but it's an intangible thing.  You never knew them so have little real reason to grieve other than empathy and compassion.

To me this situation has changed with the passing of Neil Armstrong.  Not because I knew him or had any personal connection but because of the idea of him, the ideas and sheer goodness of mankind that he represented.  The Moon landings were the culmination of the 1960s' Space Race.  Of course it was a political and military driven stunt but it still remains the most glorious achievement of Man.  In his short life he stepped on another world and touched the stars.

When Eagle touched down on the Moon and Armstrong first stepped on lunar soil it was the culmination of unbridled ambition and determination.  It showed what we, as a species, could truly be capable of.  JFK promised a man on the Moon by the end of his decade and despite him not seeing it his promise was realised.  What could happen now if Obama promised to cure cancer within ten years with the same amount of drive and ambition?  There are many serious problems here on Earth; climate change, overpopulation and dwindling resources, who's to say that the solutions for these can't be found 'out there'?  It's been forty years since Man last set foot on the Moon and now we make do with buggies and robots sometimes landing on Mars.  We should reach further, push ourselves to discover.  Perhaps putting a man on Mars or even back on the Moon will help us solve some of our Earthly problems.

Armstrong passing makes us all feel our mortality.  Whether he liked it or not, he was a hero for people all over the world, an inspiration for all the children of the 60s and afterwards.  Do you really think that no one who saw the Moon landings in fuzzy black and white didn't come away wanting to change the world?  Armstrong seems to me as an unassuming man who worked hard for his country and despite all  the craziness concentrated on what he knew; aviation and engineering.  He began working for the National Advisory Committee for Aeronautics (NACA), a pre NASA body, in the 1950s.  The 1950s when half the world was recovering from World War Two and Armstrong is looking to Space.

It's hard to comprehend that in 1962 he was given astronaut status and four years later commanded Gemini 8 as it nearly disastrously docked with a glorified missile in Space.  Three years after that, in 1969, and he's on the Moon looking down on all of us.

I've read and heard the stories and memories of bleary eyed kids being sat in front on tiny TVs to watch Armstrong's moment of history unfold.  I'll admit it. I'm jealous.  I might have another 50 years left and I know that I'll never witness anything that will come close to that.  The Twin Towers or the Lost finale don't compare.

It was 50/50 whether or not Apollo 11 would actually succeed and see it's Eagle module touch down and we should all be glad it did.  Whilst the promise of the Moon landings has largely evaporated over the last forty years they still stand as testament to what Mankind is capable of, especially the 'a white-socks, pocket-protector, nerdy engineer' that Armstrong saw himself as.  It proves that we should all look to future, avoid the short term and dare to chase our dreams.

The next time I see the Moon I will 'think of Neil and give him a wink' like the Armstrong family suggests.